First off, I’d like to apologize over my absence. I must have written a dozen starts to blog posts, but they never seemed to come to an end I was happy with. So rather than tell a funny story(I’ve had a few these past few months) or write about some unspoken truth, I decided to talk about depression.
Depression sucks. It just does. It is one of the most crippling helpless feelings I’ve ever experienced in my life. To add to its joyous occurrence (I mean that in the most sarcastic way) I also got diagnosed with high anxiety too.
So basically I had no motivation and was panicking about my future and the possibility of failure.
I grew up in a home where counseling wasn’t an option. It was simply an insult if you were deemed too weak or acting “dramatic” as my mom would call it. The situation that I lived in wasn’t healthy and it took me until college to realize that. Well, that realization and the loss of a relationship with my mom was sickening.
What do you do when the one major contributing factor in your life (regardless of the good and bad) suddenly is exposed as a lie? For me, I just spiraled downwards a bit. I went through a period of saying I was fine and to be fair I had an amazing support system from my dad and stepmom’s side of the family. Over the summer they were there for me and kept me together, but when I went back to college that’s when I realized that I wasn’t fine.
I hated that I couldn’t talk to my mother anymore and that when we did talk, the conversations were more destructive than progressive. I was also struggling with balancing classes that were rather difficult and a job that was much more demanding than I had anticipated.
I felt thin, sort of stretched, like butter scraped over too much bread (LOTR reference!) and I had to come to the realization that I couldn’t handle it all.
It was when I was sitting outside of a classroom waiting for class to start and I started uncontrollably crying for no reason that I realized I needed help.
That was probably the toughest part: I had to swallow my pride and admit to myself that it was okay that I couldn’t handle everything on my own. I had friends to help me get through it all, but it wasn’t enough.
So I went to the counseling center and also had a long talk with my dad over the choices I had to make and I scaled down the amount of busyness I had in my life. I cut the classes that I couldn’t handle and I quit the job so I could focus on grades.
My blog fell to the wind because I couldn’t find the strength to write about this, let alone admit that I was going through a rough time.
However, I’ve begun to heal and for the first time in months the keyboard seems to be my friend again. I understand that things are not always going to be easy and I know there’s a long road ahead of me, but for the first time in a while I feel hope.
I have deep respect for those who continue to deal with depression. I used to be one of those people who wrote it off as weakness, but after dealing with it I have to say I’m sorry for ever thinking that.
Depression and anxiety really suck and dealing with them together is a nightmare. You can’t sleep because all you think about is what you need to do and you don’t want to get up because you don’t think there’s a point to trying.
I started to abuse alcohol just to sleep and then I started to abuse NyQuil when I ran out of alcohol. I drank just enough that I couldn’t think anymore simply so I could fall asleep. I took two doses of NyQuil or ZzzQuil just to pass out quicker. I knew it wasn’t healthy and I certainly didn’t tell anyone let alone my support group.
I’m better now and I don’t do that anymore. I’ve learned to fall asleep using healthier options. I won’t lie, there are still nights when I’m awake stressing and thinking uncontrollably of the same thing over and over again until I finally pass out.
I am sorry for taking so long to blog, but thank you to those who take the time to read this.
I’ve also taken up photography again, so the photo at the top is one of mine I’m most proud of.