Well. Life has given me a lot of lemons lately. A lot of sour, beat up, soggy lemons. I don’t even want to make lemonade with them. In lieu of feeling like I’m losing my tiny little brain, I figured that I’d start a new mini series called Perspective. It’s the little reminder to myself that despite the hardships that I’m going through, I’m going to be okay.
There’s a certain analogy I’ve heard about men’s brains versus women’s brains. Men have all their thoughts in different boxes. One for family, one for sex, one for work, and so on and so forth. They open one box at a time. Women are much different. We have tons of boxes and every single one of those bad boys are open. We deal with everything all the time at the same time. It’s really quite tiresome.
All my boxes have been open and I feel like I just need to purge.
I moved over the past week to an entirely different part of the US and I moved in with my dad. I’ve never lived with him before and after a week of being here I’m still not entirely convinced I made the right decision. I’m a twentysomething year old with depression and in order to get help I moved in for a support network.
That’s mature and adult-like…. Right?
Well, after a week of being here, I’ve found out that my dog has cancer. The one thing that had kept me glued together as I’ve dealt with my stress has been her and now we’re putting her down tomorrow evening. There was no other choice because of how aggressive it was and how old she is. We don’t want her to suffer.
But oh dear lord…. I’ve never had to put a dog down before.
I am angry. I am angry because I moved here and out of all the pets we have, my dog had to be the one to go so soon. I am angry at life because I feel like I’m failing at being a productive member of society. I am angry because I am taking a break from college for a semester while all of my friends from high school are getting married and graduating early while I’m single (but definitely not ready to mingle).
I cannot adult! Who let me adult??
The important thing to remember I suppose are the positive things. As a natural pessimist prone to extreme bouts of cynicism, it’s a little hard for me to do. I’m trying to think of positive things as I purge my thoughts right now.
I do get to be there for my dog Bailey tomorrow. I get to be there to comfort her. I get to be there for my little sister, who has had Bailey in her life since the day she was born.
Being back at home means I can save some money for college and have time to get some counseling. I won’t have to worry about rent or grocery bills. I can be there for my little siblings’ events and parties like I never have before.
I tend to keep all my boxes open at once and stress about things that have not yet even come to pass. It’s something I’ve always struggled with, but I feel like it has gotten worse over the past year. I look at where I was even a year ago, and I struggle with feeling like a failure.
Being an adult is hard. Figuring out a path for the rest of my life is so overwhelming and moving here has been a huge step out of my comfort zone. There’s so much change. I just have to keep perspective. I think that’s been the biggest struggle of all: positive perspective.