Can I just start off with saying that emotions stink? Christmas is the best time of the year. The treats, the family time, the treats, the snow, and did I mention the treats?….I love it all. However, this year feels bittersweet to me.
This is my first full set of holidays that I get to spend with my dad and this side of my family. I love it all. It’s a completely different atmosphere from how I grew up with my mother and it’s incredibly refreshing. But as the holidays approach I can’t help feeling a little forlorn. I miss my mom. It’s been two years since I’ve seen her.
We had a falling out about a year and a half ago and it hasn’t been the same since. There is the part of me that understands that she needs help and that she is toxic to my well-being, but I miss her. I hate that I do, but it’s hard to know that things aren’t better between us and that she isn’t taking steps to fix our relationship. Granted, neither of us are willing to give in to the other and I’ve had to make the decision to distance myself from her issues since I can’t fix them.
Does that make me a bad daughter? We went from being very close to rarely talking. I want nothing more than to get to a healthy point with her, but she’s got several problems with lying that create a toxic environment for me to be around.
There isn’t any point to this post other than to vent and ramble about the small downside of the holiday season.
Right now I’m listening to the country Christmas station watching my mom(stepmom) put up decorations with my brother and sister. I love this house, I love this family, and I love how close we all are. I just wish my mom and I were in a better place.