When to Let Go

Relationships are hard. Knowing when to let go is even harder. How exactly do you know when it’s time to let something go and move on? Well, I’ve seen the signs in my relationship, but short of being hit in the head with literal signs I feel like I’ve been ignoring all the metaphorical ones.

For me, I have the tendency to hold on to something even when it’s probably no longer healthy to stick around. Why? It’s because I hate giving up on a relationship. It’s not that I’m looking for Mr. Right at this point in my life. Shoot, I don’t even know what I want to be when I grow up and I’m in my twenties! It’s because I saw failed relationships growing up and I desperately want to be the type of person to work through problems so that way when I am to the point where I’m ready to be married I can make it last.

Relationships, however, seem to be my weak spot whether it’s being romantically involved with someone, a friendship, or a relationship with a family member. In reflecting over the past year and a half, I’ve noticed that there were certainly signs that I should have listened to, but in the midst of my depression I didn’t really take a stand when I should have. It’s not to say that my past relationship was a particularly terrible one (though if you ask my best friend or my dad I’m sure they’d have something to say), I just allowed him to think that I was okay with certain undesirable behaviors when I should have stood up for myself.

I think in relationships there are a few key signs into realizing when it’s time to move on:

  1. There’s distrust
    • For me, I probably should have broken it off with him the minute I stopped trusting him. I didn’t want to though. I felt like I was being paranoid and that I had nothing to worry about when in reality I was just ignoring his behaviors and his growing secrecy.
  2. Your friends stopping liking your significant other
    • About halfway through my relationship, the guy I was with owned up to doing some things that really broke my heart. Me being a dummy, however, stayed with him and forgave him. My friends didn’t see it as something to forgive. I didn’t want to listen to their thoughts on him, mostly because I didn’t want to admit that I was staying in something bad. At the time I felt like they just didn’t understand the dynamics of our relationship and that it wasn’t worth explaining.
  3. You’re no longer happy with him
    • It took me a ridiculously long time to accept it, but towards the end I just wasn’t happy. I didn’t trust him. I began to hate myself for staying with him, but also truly believed that what I felt for him was love and I wanted to give the type of love that I read about in church. The only time we really got along was when we were physically intimate, but otherwise we argued all the time and I could see his lack of trust towards me, which infuriated me. Why didn’t he trust me? It’s not like I had done anything to him other than get the courage to stand up for myself every once in a while. I couldn’t brag about him to friends anymore, because the times he tried to be a good guy felt like they were an afterthought after months and months of dealing with his mood swings and verbal abuse.

 

It wasn’t until I had a very dear friend be a perfect gentleman towards me and compliment me on my goofiness, that I realized I deserved better. I had been told that for months, but it took me a long time to truly believe it. If a friend that I had known for years, who saw me grow up during my awkward phase, could find me beautiful and funny because of my quirkiness rather than in spite of all of those things, then why couldn’t the guy I’d been dating?

It was certainly a valuable lesson that I feel will help me in future relationships. Ladies, if you’ve ever been in my shoes, it’s important to remember this: You should never date a guy with the mindset that he’s out of your league. He should be proud to date you and flaunt it. If you ever feel like you’re not worthy of him and he’s made you feel that way, run! It’s something I have to constantly remind myself. I am worth more than a man who only found me worth caring for when it was convenient for him.

I am nerdy, curvy, goofy, and damn proud of it!!

I look forward to the future to focus on myself and become independent and happy for me. I know that the next man I date will appreciate it and I can stay in it for as long as it’s healthy. Growing up is hard. This whole “adult relationship” thing is hard too, but I feel like I learned a lot and I’m ready to pick myself up and see what’s in store for me.

 

Kids really do say the funniest things… Part 3!

First off, I have way too much fun with these posts! Secondly, I laugh because you just can’t make up the things that kids say. I work in customer service, so I interact with parents and their children. I also travel too, so the things you hear in public restrooms are hilarious….

Little girl and her mom a few stalls over… :

Her Mom: “Honey this isn’t play time. You need to poop.”

Girl: “Well I can’t go right now. I just can’t.”

H.M. : “You told me you had to go in the car. Why can’t you go?”

G: “Because I’m still mad at you.”

Little boy at the grocery store:

Boy: “Guess what?”

Me: “What?”

Boy: “I get to see my grandparents tonight.”

Me: “Oh how fun! Are you excited?”

Boy: “Yeah, but I can’t play rough with my grandpa.”

Me: “Why not?”

Boy: “He has diarrhea.”

His mom: “……….yep. You were listening to me and Grandma earlier weren’t you?”

My little brother listening to “I Bet My Life” by Imagine Dragons… :

As the chorus comes up

Brother: “I- I bit my wife! I bit my wife for youuuuuuu!”

Me: “Dude, it’s I bet my life not I bit my wife.”

My little sister: “Ewwwwww you have a wife?”

Brother: “NO! Gross. Girls are gross. I am NOT married.”

I seriously wish that “Kids say the Darnest Things” was still on TV. The things that I hear from children tend to be some of the funniest things I hear, especially at work.

Have any funny stories? Please, please share them! Kids really are the best.

Sweet Potatoes are Violent…

Well I must say I have a new level of respect for every grocery bagger I’ve ever met. Today I finished my first day of work at a supermarket and good grief was it more effort than I had ever imagined. I loved it, but boy was it taxing.

I learned a very valuable lesson today as well:

Klutzes and produce just don’t mix.

As I type this, I’m holding up an ice pack to my lip, nursing the busted lip I incurred while quickly bagging a particular customer’s groceries. There was a line growing behind her, so I was just trying to get done.

Now mind you, I had been training and working for the better part of the afternoon and I had not had a single incident yet (aside from forgetting to ask a few times if they wanted paper or plastic). I had been bustling from one customer to the next, and I had no problem whatsoever.

So obviously the produce had to initiate me into the supermarket club. As I was bagging this particular lady’s groceries, the bag of sweet potatoes was handed to me by the cashier. I swung the potatoes over to the plastic bag, but I apparently was not aware of how close my face was to the bag. As it swung my bottom lip caught the brunt of 1.27 pounds of flying sweet spuds.

Thankfully the customer and the cashier seemed not to notice the tiny bit of blood on my lip and the small bruise forming around it. I smiled at the customer, tucking my lip in a bit so my injury wasn’t evident. My manager came up to me after I put her cart up and I gladly took the cue to go home for the day since my shift was over.

I suppose I shouldn’t have been so eager to put the groceries in the bag, but hey, at least I can say I have an exciting job. Grocery baggers are super hard workers and my coworkers, while I haven’t officially met everyone, seem to enjoy helping the customers. It makes me really excited to work there.

I wonder if anyone else has been beat up by the perishables, but I don’t think it would be a great idea to ask them…

Kids really do say the funniest things… Part 2!

I love visiting home from college. I get to see my family and spend time with my younger siblings, who inevitably say some of the most hilarious things. Regardless of the large age gap between us, they still manage to be my main source of entertainment while I visit my parents. Here are just a few things that they’ve said while I’ve been home!

Brother: “I had a dream last night!”

My mom: “Oh yeah?”

Brother: “So I was in a tree house and there was a snowman there, so I took one of his buttons but it wasn’t a button at all. It was a teeny tiny monkey but I just thought it was a moving button.”

The other morning while watching Sesame Street:

TV: “The letter of the day is… N!”

Brother: “N…. Nipple starts with N! I have a big nipple.”

Mom (who is a medical professional): “Well, technically you have two!”

While at the museum for the holiday special:

Sister: “Why don’t we celebrate Hanukkah at home?”

Mom: “Well, we’re not Jewish.”

Sister: “Can we be?”

Mom: “If that’s what you really want to convert to.”

Sister thinks for a moment: “I think I’m okay.”

While my brother and sister were having a fight…

Brother: “Listen to me!”

Sister: “No! I’m ignoring you!”

Brother: “Well, well…that’s not nice!”

Sister: silence

Brother: “Fine! You’re not invited to my party!”

Dad: “…dude, you’re not having a party.”

Brother: “Yes I am in June when I have my birthday and she is NOT invited.”

Bedtime seems to be a struggle, so I’ve saved some of the excuses that my little sister says to stall going to bed. Here’s one of the most amusing excuses that was used consistently throughout the holidays…

Sister: “I just wanted to say I love you guys.”

Dad: “We love you too. Go to bed.”

Sister: “Also, um, happy holidays.”

Dad: “You too. Now go to bed.”

Whether it be questions, arguments, or excuses, they never fail to amuse me. They crack me up. Kids certainly say some funny things and I’ve enjoyed watching them grow and hearing their thoughts….at certain volumes. Haha!

Depression is draining

First off, I’d like to apologize over my absence. I must have written a dozen starts to blog posts, but they never seemed to come to an end I was happy with. So rather than tell a funny story(I’ve had a few these past few months) or write about some unspoken truth, I decided to talk about depression.

Depression sucks. It just does. It is one of the most crippling helpless feelings I’ve ever experienced in my life. To add to its joyous occurrence (I mean that in the most sarcastic way) I also got diagnosed with high anxiety too.

So basically I had no motivation and was panicking about my future and the possibility of failure.

I grew up in a home where counseling wasn’t an option. It was simply an insult if you were deemed too weak or acting “dramatic” as my mom would call it. The situation that I lived in wasn’t healthy and it took me until college to realize that. Well, that realization and the loss of a relationship with my mom was sickening.

What do you do when the one major contributing factor in your life (regardless of the good and bad) suddenly is exposed as a lie? For me, I just spiraled downwards a bit. I went through a period of saying I was fine and to be fair I had an amazing support system from my dad and stepmom’s side of the family. Over the summer they were there for me and kept me together, but when I went back to college that’s when I realized that I wasn’t fine.

I hated that I couldn’t talk to my mother anymore and that when we did talk, the conversations were more destructive than progressive. I was also struggling with balancing classes that were rather difficult and a job that was much more demanding than I had anticipated.

I felt thin, sort of stretched, like butter scraped over too much bread (LOTR reference!) and I had to come to the realization that I couldn’t handle it all.

It was when I was sitting outside of a classroom waiting for class to start and I started uncontrollably crying for no reason that I realized I needed help.

That was probably the toughest part: I had to swallow my pride and admit to myself that it was okay that I couldn’t handle everything on my own. I had friends to help me get through it all, but it wasn’t enough.

So I went to the counseling center and also had a long talk with my dad over the choices I had to make and I scaled down the amount of busyness I had in my life. I cut the classes that I couldn’t handle and I quit the job so I could focus on grades.

My blog fell to the wind because I couldn’t find the strength to write about this, let alone admit that I was going through a rough time.

However, I’ve begun to heal and for the first time in months the keyboard seems to be my friend again. I understand that things are not always going to be easy and I know there’s a long road ahead of me, but for the first time in a while I feel hope.

I have deep respect for those who continue to deal with depression. I used to be one of those people who wrote it off as weakness, but after dealing with it I have to say I’m sorry for ever thinking that.

Depression and anxiety really suck and dealing with them together is a nightmare. You can’t sleep because all you think about is what you need to do and you don’t want to get up because you don’t think there’s a point to trying.

I started to abuse alcohol just to sleep and then I started to abuse NyQuil when I ran out of alcohol. I drank just enough that I couldn’t think anymore simply so I could fall asleep. I took two doses of NyQuil or ZzzQuil just to pass out quicker. I knew it wasn’t healthy and I certainly didn’t tell anyone let alone my support group.

I’m better now and I don’t do that anymore. I’ve learned to fall asleep using healthier options. I won’t lie, there are still nights when I’m awake stressing and thinking uncontrollably of the same thing over and over again until I finally pass out.

I am sorry for taking so long to blog, but thank you to those who take the time to read this.

I’ve also taken up photography again, so the photo at the top is one of mine I’m most proud of.

Local coffee shops

Have you ever found a place where your soul just feels complete? I don’t mean the feeling after a good sermon, but when you find something that resonates with who you are?

Well I found that place. And no, it isn’t church.

Don’t get me wrong, I grew up going to church and felt strong in my convictions, but the people and the atmosphere never brought continual emotion to me. It felt like it was the right thing to do.

Growing up and making the decision to not go to church anymore was like telling my mother her cooking was horrible (it’s not, but if I told her that it’d be scary). For me, music resonates with me.

I am sitting in my favorite coffee shop in town, surrounded by a multitude of different people all brought together by one thing: music.

This little hole-in-the-wall place is something else. You walk in and there is atmosphere. The coffee is an experience, the staff is great, and the guy playing guitar seals the deal.

It is not often that something moves me to write, let alone purge my soul, but all of this is simply breathtaking. To witness the human experience in action, to see people brought together to listen to a local band, well it’s simply magic.

The music itself is cool. There’s so much passion in the musicians’ eyes and you can tell they love what they do. They’re inspired by their love for music, not tainted by greed or the pursuit of fame. They love what they do.

The people here come in all different forms. There’s a guy here rocking his fedora and a cocktail, a guy rocking his frat-tastic clothing, and women in cardigans and dresses. It’s corny, but I love it.

I love introducing friends to other friends and seeing the human experience, it fills my soul.

This post was kind of a soul purge, but thank you for reading!

When did kindness in men become surprising?

I like men. I really do. They’re great at cuddling and making me smile and all that cheesy-gooey stuff.

However, in college it’s become a norm for men to approach me for nothing more than “a good time” or a relationship with no titles…and that bothers me.

Of course, I didn’t realize it bothered me until I met someone who was different. It’s making me rethink my choice in men…

For story’s sake, we’ll call him Chris. I can’t say I’ve had an epiphany and fallen for the guy, we only met a few days ago. In fact, I don’t find him physically attractive. He’s good looking, but not my usual type. However, I met him when I went out dancing the other day.

It wasn’t any grand moment, he just asked me to dance and I accepted. He was actually not the best at two-stepping, but he was trying and it was funny. We started talking and immediately hit it off. It probably didn’t help that we started talking about Lord of the Rings (my favorite trilogy) and nerding out about it.

It was wonderful.

We ended up dancing the whole time and it was great. I hadn’t really ever had the opportunity to put all of my personality out there at once and have it just accepted. It was nice. I know that sounds really corny, but hey, it’s true.

I am taken with him not because of his looks, but rather his intelligence. We hung out again today with friends and we just talked for two hours. It felt like minutes. He has a certain charisma that is very interesting and alluring.

Men, just know, intelligence and a great personality is very attractive.

Now granted, the idea of dating him is a little “eh” at the moment. I just know I like being around him and he surprised me with his genuine character. He was talking and flirting and instead of saying something dirty or “seductive”, he simply asked if he could take me to dinner…

Why did I find this so surprising…

When did it become commonplace in college for courting to be obsolete and wild hookups or easy relationships to become a thing? It sucks.

Don’t get me wrong, I like a little wildness in my life, but that idea of courtship and friendship first was something I had almost believed was a girlish fantasy.

To find it in someone, regardless if he ends up just as a close friend or something more, is so incredibly refreshing.

So to the men out there, particularly the college men, don’t be afraid to woo a women with kindness. It’s one of the best feelings to be immediately respected without having to say that.

Boundaries are nice and personally, I think it’s much more attractive to have a man flirt and say he wants to take me to dinner than say he wants to seduce me or something of that nature.

Now I’m not saying these men are rare, but women, we have to encourage them not to be the jerkish buttmunches that are breaking our hearts!

To all the nice guys, don’t give that up. There are those of us who really like that.

Apology notes and goats

Well I knew the start up of the semester would be busy… but I didn’t know it’d be this busy. It’s actually pretty exhilarating though. I started a new position as a writer for a newspaper and since training day it’s been “life in the fast lane” for me! However, the downside to this new job is the lack of social life I have now. 

I’ll admit it. I am definitely a social butterfly. I love to be around people and get to know people’s stories, so getting off of work and knowing everyone is already busy kind of bums me out. I don’t mind too much though. I get to catch up on episodes of Dexter.

Yes, my name is Alexis and I am addicted to Dexter. I have a problem… Haha! 

I just wanted to let all my readers know that I haven’t abandoned my blog… It’ll just be a bit before I can post frequently.

Oh the consequences of life!

 

On a random note, I do have a story to tell you. I got to go to a farm the other day. Like a farm with chickens and goats and cows.. It was awesome!!!

It was actually my aunt and uncle’s farm, but they call it a glorified petting zoo. It was pretty fantastic. They had a baby goat and I taught it to butt my knuckles whenever I yelled, “fist bump!”

The little guy is supposed to be meat for dinner eventually though. I’m sure he’d be tasty, but a fist bumping goat is just too cute. There’s my liberal act for the year. 

Save the goats!!! 

However, the cows they have make the best steaks I’ve ever tasted in my life. Just throwing that out there..

I got to pick eggs for the first time. I was honestly afraid of the chickens. Urban girls and chickens don’t mix.. but I did it! It was so much fun and now I have farm fresh eggs sitting in my fridge. 

I have to say my aunt and uncle’s farm is very admirable. They grow their own vegetables, herbs, and have their own meat. The landscape at their place is gorgeous and I love it. It’s one of those places to go and unwind. If I ever have the time one day, I’d totally get a farm with goats, but probably not chickens… Just saying… Those little things freak me out.

Dear dentist…I don’t like you.

I have a thing about going to the dentist. Now don’t get me wrong, my dentist and his assistants are sweet as can be. I’m sure we’d all get along great over a cup of coffee. However, several obscenities tend to cross my mind when they’re poking and prodding in my mouth.

I’ve always had a thing about going to the dentist. I’m fairly certain I need an anxiety prescription just to go. That or a couple shots of something and I’d be good to go. The anxiety didn’t help this past week when I had to get sealant put on my teeth and a lingual frenectomy.

The sealant was to cover up the craters I had worn into my teeth. Grinding is bad. Needless to say, having a tiny mouth and the world’s most sensitive gag reflex (I know because my dentist told me so) didn’t really workout smoothly. The sealant ought to have been a 20-30 minute procedure at best…

Ha! Clearly they never met me.

The dentist literally wished the assistant good luck. I had gagged while he prepped my teeth for the sealant and my mouth was too small to put the tongue restrainer in without tripping that reflex. It. Was. Horrible. The assistant had a hard time doing anything to my teeth without causing me to gag. My mouth was like a really annoying game of Operation. To make it worse, the fact that I was making it take longer stressed me out and I felt bad that she had to deal with me panicking. She then tried to pass me off to another assistant who politely declined.

I wanted to cry.

After she finished, I remembered that I had to talk to my dentist about a lingual frenectomy. He told me he could do it right then. Whoop-dee-friggin’-doo.

Now let me explain what in the world a frenectomy is. I was mildly tongue tied, which meant that the little flap of tissue that connected the under-part of my tongue to the bottom of my mouth was just a little too high up. A frenectomy involves cutting that tissue to let the tongue loose. With a laser. While you’re awake.

Oh that was doing wonders for my anxiety.

However, I had no desire to come back later in the week to get it done, so I chose to get it over with. At first, he tried to use a topical gel numbing medicine around the tissue. Then he used the laser a bit to see if I could feel it.

I could.

Then the really fun part came. He stuck a needle with numbing medication into each side of my tongue and waited. And boy did that stuff work! I felt a slight sensation as he worked and then it was over. My lips and tongue were numb.

“Stick your tongue out,” he said when it was over.

I had no idea if it actually worked. I couldn’t feel a thing. He told me I would be a little sore later, but for the time my tongue would feel okay until the numbness wore off.

As I got out of the dentist I called my stepmom to tell her I was done. As I heard myself talk I burst into laughter. I sounded like Daffy Duck’s sister. I was fascinated. The whole drive home I tried singing and it came out goofy as heck. I kept poking my tongue too. I’m pretty certain the nice elderly lady in the car next to me at the light thought I was on something. I’d poke my tongue and bite at it with my teeth a bit. I don’t know why, but it was so interesting to me.

Later on I discovered the dentist had lied to me. My tongue was not “a little sore.” It burned where it had been cut. Dear lord it hurt. Not to mention I had to stick my tongue out and lift it to the roof of my mouth in order to keep the tissue from healing back the way it was. That didn’t feel particularly good either. I tried to avoid talking and eating anything super chewy for a few days as well. That was painful.

Needless to say, the experience did nothing to solve my anxiety of going to the dentist’s office. I would totally take that numbing medication for anything they have to do to me next time though. That stuff was the bomb. I couldn’t feel my mouth. The anxiety disappeared.

Lucky me though, I have a follow up appointment this week! Yay. I’m so excited…not. And just so you know, my tongue still hurts…that lying jerk.

One Lovely Blog Award and the Very Inspiring Blog Award

one_lovely_blog_awardvery-inspiring-blogger-award

Well, all I have to say is wow. When I first started off blogging a couple of months ago I had no idea how it would turn out. The feedback since then has been very encouraging and I have loved being a part of the WordPress community. Everyone has been supportive.

I have been recently nominated by Maria9saif for the “One Lovely Blog Award” and nominated for the “Very Inspiring Blog Award” by Roservs.

At the time of Roservs’ nomination I had no idea what to do, so I never passed the award on. I thought it was literally a nomination, not the actually winning… whoops!

Let me first thank Maria9saif for the Lovely Blog Award. She is an incredibly talented blogger and artist herself, so for her to notice my blog and consider it worthy of an award is both flattering and honoring. She has been very active in reading my blog and has been an overall kind individual to me. Thank you for that Maria!

Secondly, let me thank Roservs for the Very Inspiring Blog Award. She is a very talented and spunky blogger. I love her style and anyone who wants to read an inspiring cool blog ought to read hers. I feel bad for just now getting around to posting this award, but I was novice and naïve and had no idea how to do this! She is a kind individual aside from her blog and was very influential within my first few posts of my blog. Thank you Roservs!

Here are the rules for both blogs. They are identical, so those who I’ve picked can either separate each award or put them together as I have.

  1. Thank and link to the amazing person who nominated you
  2. List the rules and display the award.
  3. Share seven facts about yourself.
  4. Nominate 15 other amazing blogs and comment on their posts to let them know they have been nominated.
  5. Proudly display the award logo on your blog and follow the blogger who nominated you.

Here are my seven facts:

  1. I am a nerd. Plain and simple. I love Sherlock Holmes, Big Bang Theory, Supernatural, Tolkien, Dresden Files, Game of Thrones, and Marvel fan. I love them all. My dream is to go to San Diego Comicon one day.
  2. I use my little siblings as an excuse as to why I watch so many Disney movies…I really just love them.
  3. I am a huge football fan. I love it! I’m that fan that can’t talk for days after the game because I screamed too much.
  4. I have an addiction to coffee. Not that I drink too much, but I love finding local coffee shops and trying what they have.
  5. I have an addiction to Thin Mints. I will literally avoid the grocery store during normal hours just to avoid the Girl Scouts and their Thin Mints. I’m a college student. I can’t afford those evil cookies…
  6. I love to be outdoors. I always feel like I’m on a treasure hunt when I’m hiking on a trail.
  7. In elementary school I stopped being friends with another girl because we both wanted to be the first woman president. I had such high aspirations…now I’m a journalism major.

Here are my 15 nominations for both awards. I truly believe each blog deserves both awards:

  1. New3Creation Writing
  2. 3 Smiles a Day
  3. Pretty Little Things
  4. Bmyshot
  5. Yousra
  6. Mara Eastern
  7. Indefinitelys
  8. Went Looking
  9. Yellow Intersection
  10. Green Embers
  11. Be Young and Shut Up
  12. Grad World/Real World
  13. Color is Law
  14. Felicia Kimmel
  15. Calliopes Lyre

 

There are so many more talented bloggers that I love to read. Every blogger deserves an award because of their bravery to write and share their stories and thoughts with others. Thank you to the two bloggers who recognized the potential in my blog. I am truly grateful.