Dating Myself

Being-Alone

Dating is hard. Being single is even harder… at least for me. The concept of having to be alone with myself is one that I have a hard time with. When I started college I got into a relationship pretty quickly that lasted for the better part of two years. After that, I went to another relationship that lasted for a while in which I thought I was dating “the one” for me. I was wrong.

The hardest part was not the breakup, however, it’s been the task of learning how to be by myself. Living in a different area far from my group of friends has left me with very few distractions. Alone time for me has never been something I’ve been good at. I’m still in the process of gaining strength and independence in that area of my life.

So what did I do when I was forced with being alone?

I’ve begun dating myself. I went to the movies alone, watched what I wanted to, and got dressed up for me. At first I felt silly, but the more I did it the more I felt empowered. I’m pretty awesome. I’m worth being taken out on dates and focusing on me every once in a while.

My blog is something that tends to get neglected when I’m with someone. I forget how therapeutic it is to rant and write and be supported by my WordPress community.

While this blog is a little squirrel brained, it’s my next step in dating myself. I love to write, so why stop?

Depression is draining

First off, I’d like to apologize over my absence. I must have written a dozen starts to blog posts, but they never seemed to come to an end I was happy with. So rather than tell a funny story(I’ve had a few these past few months) or write about some unspoken truth, I decided to talk about depression.

Depression sucks. It just does. It is one of the most crippling helpless feelings I’ve ever experienced in my life. To add to its joyous occurrence (I mean that in the most sarcastic way) I also got diagnosed with high anxiety too.

So basically I had no motivation and was panicking about my future and the possibility of failure.

I grew up in a home where counseling wasn’t an option. It was simply an insult if you were deemed too weak or acting “dramatic” as my mom would call it. The situation that I lived in wasn’t healthy and it took me until college to realize that. Well, that realization and the loss of a relationship with my mom was sickening.

What do you do when the one major contributing factor in your life (regardless of the good and bad) suddenly is exposed as a lie? For me, I just spiraled downwards a bit. I went through a period of saying I was fine and to be fair I had an amazing support system from my dad and stepmom’s side of the family. Over the summer they were there for me and kept me together, but when I went back to college that’s when I realized that I wasn’t fine.

I hated that I couldn’t talk to my mother anymore and that when we did talk, the conversations were more destructive than progressive. I was also struggling with balancing classes that were rather difficult and a job that was much more demanding than I had anticipated.

I felt thin, sort of stretched, like butter scraped over too much bread (LOTR reference!) and I had to come to the realization that I couldn’t handle it all.

It was when I was sitting outside of a classroom waiting for class to start and I started uncontrollably crying for no reason that I realized I needed help.

That was probably the toughest part: I had to swallow my pride and admit to myself that it was okay that I couldn’t handle everything on my own. I had friends to help me get through it all, but it wasn’t enough.

So I went to the counseling center and also had a long talk with my dad over the choices I had to make and I scaled down the amount of busyness I had in my life. I cut the classes that I couldn’t handle and I quit the job so I could focus on grades.

My blog fell to the wind because I couldn’t find the strength to write about this, let alone admit that I was going through a rough time.

However, I’ve begun to heal and for the first time in months the keyboard seems to be my friend again. I understand that things are not always going to be easy and I know there’s a long road ahead of me, but for the first time in a while I feel hope.

I have deep respect for those who continue to deal with depression. I used to be one of those people who wrote it off as weakness, but after dealing with it I have to say I’m sorry for ever thinking that.

Depression and anxiety really suck and dealing with them together is a nightmare. You can’t sleep because all you think about is what you need to do and you don’t want to get up because you don’t think there’s a point to trying.

I started to abuse alcohol just to sleep and then I started to abuse NyQuil when I ran out of alcohol. I drank just enough that I couldn’t think anymore simply so I could fall asleep. I took two doses of NyQuil or ZzzQuil just to pass out quicker. I knew it wasn’t healthy and I certainly didn’t tell anyone let alone my support group.

I’m better now and I don’t do that anymore. I’ve learned to fall asleep using healthier options. I won’t lie, there are still nights when I’m awake stressing and thinking uncontrollably of the same thing over and over again until I finally pass out.

I am sorry for taking so long to blog, but thank you to those who take the time to read this.

I’ve also taken up photography again, so the photo at the top is one of mine I’m most proud of.

Apology notes and goats

Well I knew the start up of the semester would be busy… but I didn’t know it’d be this busy. It’s actually pretty exhilarating though. I started a new position as a writer for a newspaper and since training day it’s been “life in the fast lane” for me! However, the downside to this new job is the lack of social life I have now. 

I’ll admit it. I am definitely a social butterfly. I love to be around people and get to know people’s stories, so getting off of work and knowing everyone is already busy kind of bums me out. I don’t mind too much though. I get to catch up on episodes of Dexter.

Yes, my name is Alexis and I am addicted to Dexter. I have a problem… Haha! 

I just wanted to let all my readers know that I haven’t abandoned my blog… It’ll just be a bit before I can post frequently.

Oh the consequences of life!

 

On a random note, I do have a story to tell you. I got to go to a farm the other day. Like a farm with chickens and goats and cows.. It was awesome!!!

It was actually my aunt and uncle’s farm, but they call it a glorified petting zoo. It was pretty fantastic. They had a baby goat and I taught it to butt my knuckles whenever I yelled, “fist bump!”

The little guy is supposed to be meat for dinner eventually though. I’m sure he’d be tasty, but a fist bumping goat is just too cute. There’s my liberal act for the year. 

Save the goats!!! 

However, the cows they have make the best steaks I’ve ever tasted in my life. Just throwing that out there..

I got to pick eggs for the first time. I was honestly afraid of the chickens. Urban girls and chickens don’t mix.. but I did it! It was so much fun and now I have farm fresh eggs sitting in my fridge. 

I have to say my aunt and uncle’s farm is very admirable. They grow their own vegetables, herbs, and have their own meat. The landscape at their place is gorgeous and I love it. It’s one of those places to go and unwind. If I ever have the time one day, I’d totally get a farm with goats, but probably not chickens… Just saying… Those little things freak me out.

One Lovely Blog Award and the Very Inspiring Blog Award

one_lovely_blog_awardvery-inspiring-blogger-award

Well, all I have to say is wow. When I first started off blogging a couple of months ago I had no idea how it would turn out. The feedback since then has been very encouraging and I have loved being a part of the WordPress community. Everyone has been supportive.

I have been recently nominated by Maria9saif for the “One Lovely Blog Award” and nominated for the “Very Inspiring Blog Award” by Roservs.

At the time of Roservs’ nomination I had no idea what to do, so I never passed the award on. I thought it was literally a nomination, not the actually winning… whoops!

Let me first thank Maria9saif for the Lovely Blog Award. She is an incredibly talented blogger and artist herself, so for her to notice my blog and consider it worthy of an award is both flattering and honoring. She has been very active in reading my blog and has been an overall kind individual to me. Thank you for that Maria!

Secondly, let me thank Roservs for the Very Inspiring Blog Award. She is a very talented and spunky blogger. I love her style and anyone who wants to read an inspiring cool blog ought to read hers. I feel bad for just now getting around to posting this award, but I was novice and naïve and had no idea how to do this! She is a kind individual aside from her blog and was very influential within my first few posts of my blog. Thank you Roservs!

Here are the rules for both blogs. They are identical, so those who I’ve picked can either separate each award or put them together as I have.

  1. Thank and link to the amazing person who nominated you
  2. List the rules and display the award.
  3. Share seven facts about yourself.
  4. Nominate 15 other amazing blogs and comment on their posts to let them know they have been nominated.
  5. Proudly display the award logo on your blog and follow the blogger who nominated you.

Here are my seven facts:

  1. I am a nerd. Plain and simple. I love Sherlock Holmes, Big Bang Theory, Supernatural, Tolkien, Dresden Files, Game of Thrones, and Marvel fan. I love them all. My dream is to go to San Diego Comicon one day.
  2. I use my little siblings as an excuse as to why I watch so many Disney movies…I really just love them.
  3. I am a huge football fan. I love it! I’m that fan that can’t talk for days after the game because I screamed too much.
  4. I have an addiction to coffee. Not that I drink too much, but I love finding local coffee shops and trying what they have.
  5. I have an addiction to Thin Mints. I will literally avoid the grocery store during normal hours just to avoid the Girl Scouts and their Thin Mints. I’m a college student. I can’t afford those evil cookies…
  6. I love to be outdoors. I always feel like I’m on a treasure hunt when I’m hiking on a trail.
  7. In elementary school I stopped being friends with another girl because we both wanted to be the first woman president. I had such high aspirations…now I’m a journalism major.

Here are my 15 nominations for both awards. I truly believe each blog deserves both awards:

  1. New3Creation Writing
  2. 3 Smiles a Day
  3. Pretty Little Things
  4. Bmyshot
  5. Yousra
  6. Mara Eastern
  7. Indefinitelys
  8. Went Looking
  9. Yellow Intersection
  10. Green Embers
  11. Be Young and Shut Up
  12. Grad World/Real World
  13. Color is Law
  14. Felicia Kimmel
  15. Calliopes Lyre

 

There are so many more talented bloggers that I love to read. Every blogger deserves an award because of their bravery to write and share their stories and thoughts with others. Thank you to the two bloggers who recognized the potential in my blog. I am truly grateful.

Four eyes are sexier than two

Glasses: The universal symbol for the socially awkward nerd or the uptight librarian. When I think of glasses I think of the intellectuals, the Comicon fanatics, the hipsters, and those particularly proficient in the game of Magic.

In my head….I was not the one to wear glasses. I denied my inner nerdiness. However, it seemed as if the universe was aiming to make me embrace it.

I had an eye exam appointment scheduled last week and I was sure my vision was just fine. Growing up with my mom, the concept of annual eye exams were not a thing she thought to be important so I never had one. Visiting my dad led me to an eye exam which I thought was overrated, but went anyway.

At the exam they made me stick my head in what looked to be a torture device. It was. I pressed my eye into the machine where they proceeded to blind me with a bright green light. Apparently they were taking pictures of the inside of my eyes but I think they just like to watch us walk around with our vision impaired….

Once I got through with the initial tests the doctor had me look at letters and read them off. Surely no one can read those last two lines right? Wrong. She adjusted my vision with lenses and oh dear god I could see! The letters were clearer, the world was new, and the slow realization I was getting glasses began to dawn on me.

I picked out my frames with a mix of mild frustration and fascination. I chose a simple pair that would match with any outfit and went on my way to wait for the new pair.

Yesterday I got the call that they were ready and I carefully picked out an outfit that I knew would go well with them. Yeah…I did that. When I got them I put them on and sat in my car for a good ten minutes just staring.

Dear lord I look like a librarian, I thought to myself. I stared a bit longer…

Throughout the day I continued to stare. I was fascinated with the new me. I continued to like it more and more. In fact, I decided I was at least a sexy librarian. Besides, as I watched BBC’s Sherlock Holmes Irene Adler herself said that “brainy was the new sexy.” And the glasses made me look brainy. So clearly, the glasses made me look more attractive.

I’ve learned something with my new glasses. I embrace it. In fact, I like the way I look with glasses better than without them. Plus, I’m a blogger and a journalism major, so I definitely fit the role.

So here’s to all those who wear glasses. Raise your cups of coffee or whatever you’re drinking at the moment you hipsters, you Magic aficionados, you intellectuals, and you Comicon fanatics! Raise your cups in union as the group of people who looks sexy, because damn we all look good!

Four eyes are definitely sexier than two…but for those who don’t wear glasses, well, you’re sexy too.  

My Sincerest Apologies

Hey guys, I am so sorry I have not been able to write another blog this week! I have been trying to get ready for a trip and in my spare time I’ve been attempting to sleep…and shower…I need to do that after this…

I am going off the grid for a while since my cell phone and wifi are not available. 

I do promise, however, to expose many embarrassing stories after I get back in a week! 

Thanks! -Collegelady17